There He is, as normal, sitting quietly under the cherry blossom. He is waiting for me. He’s not impatient or counting down the minutes. He has all the time in the world.
I walk under the trees’ branches and raindrops fall onto me. It is only raining slightly, but it doesn’t bother me. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by it either. In fact, He is gazing up at the sky with a smile on His face and holding His hand out. It’s as if He is letting Himself feel each drop of rain.
As I move closer, He spots me and smiles. I have come to be with Him and He knows it. He edges closer to the end of the bench and motions for me to sit next to Him. I smile at Him weakly.
“Hello.” I say as I sit down on the bench with Him.
“Hello. I’m so glad you came to be with Me.” I smile, but inside I’m sad. I gaze out over the cherry blossom orchard and sigh.
“Do you want to tell me about your day?” I look down at my lap and tuck my hair behind my ear.
“I had a pretty rough day.” He inches closer to me. I know He is listening.
“I can believe it with the long face you’re wearing.” I look up to see Him half-smiling.
“I’m sorry.” I say immediately and clasp my hands together.
“You don’t need to be sorry. It’s okay for you to not be okay.” He says tenderly.
I feel a weight lift off my shoulders. A silent tear slips down my cheek.
“There were just a lot of things that didn’t go well and emotions were running high.” I try to stifle my emotions with a quick response.
“What bothered you the most?” He prods.
“Well, my kids were extremely moody and reactive today.” A wave of guilt rushes over me and tears sting my eyes. “When he is reactive, I tend to be reactive too.” I breathe deeply. I know I can trust Him to listen to me and I’m safe sharing.
“I hit one of them.” He places His hand on my hands. Tears stream down my face. “Please forgive me.” I barely whisper
“My child, I forgive you.” Silence falls between us as I let His words heal me.
“It hurt you too, I can see.” I run my hands over my face and through my hair. “You need to forgive yourself though.” He squeezes my hands. I can’t look at Him.
“I keep doing things like that. I hurt my kids and my husband all the time. I’m a very selfish person. I tend to do what I want, not what they want.”
“It’s good that you can admit this. That means that you’re growing. You know you don’t want to stay here.” He puts His arm around my shoulder. “I want to continue working with you. I want to see you grow. I know the plans I have for you. I want to see you prosper in them. You simply need to surrender to Me and My Spirit can change you.”
I let tears fall down my face as the rain gets a bit heavier and I lean into Him and cry.
I break the silence. “It's hard to forgive myself.”
“Why is that?” He asks gently.
Words sit on my tongue, but I can't make them come out.
“What do you fear? What are you trying to control?”
His question stuns me. I search my heart. “I feel like I have done permanent damage. I want to fix that. I don't want my kids to struggle with the same hurts that I have grown up with.”
“My child, did you repent?” I look in His eyes and nod.
“I have forgiven you. Let go of what you cannot control. Forgive yourself. Allow My love to flow over your heart.”
I weep silently.
“Your children have their own stories with Me. Leave your precious babies in My hands.”
I breathe in deeply and then out heavily with my sobs. He holds me tightly and I feel safe.
We sit there for a while under the cherry trees as they begin their season for blooming and my heart begins to break through the shell of my own blossoming flower.
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